In the Band

You guys ever see that thing on stage when the drummer or the guitar player or some shit breaks a stick or a pick and tosses it out to some girl in the audience he wants to bang? Meanwhile, you’re so caught up in the moment you think it’s awesome. But in reality the band member basically threw a piece of trash and shit at a person's head. I did that once.

I was playing in the high school marching band and I did that! We are playing some drum show on the street, you know that fucking movie “Drumline?” We are doing that fancy drumming shit. I’m standing there playing the bells or xylophone or some wooden keyboard thing that special needs kid could play and my sticks are these small wooden shafts with yarn balls on the end. So I’m standing there wearing a vinyl black jacket with a bulldog school logo on it and a black bandana on and I am just wailing on these things like a jack-ass.

So I’m sitting there playing and I’m in the moment when one of my sticks breaks in half. And I’m so in the fucking moment and so close to the audience that I just turn to the nearest person and toss my god damn broken xylophone stick at them, hitting them in the damn chest. The only thing that could have made the situation worse was if I said “Hey kid, catch,” like I’m the god damn Mean Joe Green of the high school marching band. That’s how much of a fag I am. It wasn’t even some little kid who I inspired to one day play in the band! And it wasn’t some hot girl who was getting all wet from my xylophone playing. I tossed my broken mallet at some middle –aged man. He was fucking dumbfounded. I then just grabbed a new stick and went back into playing my nerd groove. That’s how much of a loser I am.