This past weekend I had the pleasure and the horror of attending the 80/35 concert in Des Moines, Iowa. I have been to my share of indie/alternative outdoor music concerts, such as Warped Tour and Pitchfork. However, 80/35 had something that many other concerts I've attended did not have, diversity. I'm not talking about skin, religion, or homosexuality. I'm talking about douche bags. It was a giant fucking melting pot of jackassery, complete with asshole parents leading about small children, pregnant women smoking weed, hippies on bikes, sluts with dogs shitting on the sidewalk, and shirtless frat guys, all prancing around and getting drunk off their asses.
I realized Sunday that I am a magnet for shirtless assholes in crowds. No matter where I stood during the Modest Mouse set tall, shirtless, sweaty men found it irresistible not to be able to walk past me. They would worm their way through the crowd and then, when faced with a choice between squeezing past the hot brunette girl in the bikini or me, the fat ass standing next to her, they would always pick the fat ass guy! Several times I found myself being chest raped by guys who were saturated with beer, sweat, and rain water. I would turn to the side to let them through so they could go back for refills on beer, but as they were walking past me it was like they made a point to grind their fucking pecs into my man boobs and their cocks into my front thigh. No matter which way I turned, left or right, I would come face-to-face with some drunken jerk-off. I was a revolving door of smelly man chest.
The most interesting part of my weekend was experiencing the feeling of having a stalker by witnessing the personal torment of one of my friends. I have come to the conclusion that I love the science of humans. It's why I went to college. One of my favorite topics is the interaction between the opposite sexes. Since I am about as appealing to women as the word "moist," I often have the opportunity to observe guys who actually have a chance with the fairer sex. I, however, am more likely to repel women and attract sweaty men. I should make a t-shirt that says, "I'm a chick magnet, but I'm facing the wrong way."
Now I've never had a stalker, or any woman pine for me for whatsoever, but I have had plenty of male friends who have experienced the horror of being pursued by the occasional insane chick. One of the best academic research techniques is where you observe people from a distance who do not know they are being observed, it's called Casual Non-Participant Observation. I often use this technique when I study the actions of my guy friends and the crazy women who want to fuck their brains out. I'm like an impartial pussy professor.
I now have a hypothetical formula that seeks to understand insane female stalkers. The formula is as follows:
T is for Time. Time means two things. First off Time is the era we live in. My experience of friends going through stalker issues began back when I was eight years old. In 1993, however, chick stalkers did not have the means of communication they have today. The average female stalker could only drive by your house, follow you to work, and call you on a land-line phone. In the case of me at 8 years old, I got to watch my 10 year old friend be perused by some crazy girl at church camp. The guy later married and divorced a girl who had the exact same first name. Yikes.
Nowadays time (T) has given way to technology that has become the downfall for any guy trying to avoid the errant insane woman. Facebook and cell phones are just two of the examples. A girl can meet you Friday night, facebook friend you Saturday morning, and be sending you naked cell phone pictures of herself wearing nothing but a dog collar and a tampon string hanging out of her cooch by 2:00 that afternoon. The internet even allows women to stalk from a distance. You can be living in New York and a woman in Portland could be Googling you as we speak!
Time (T) also means that female stalkers have to much fucking time on their damn hands. These are girls who have no fucking life outside of wanting to feel loved by someone they just met last Tuesday. They spend most of the day texting the guy they feel will take them away from the shit world they have created for themselves, when this time could be better spent looking into getting a new job, taking a class, or getting their ovaries removed to assure that they don't reproduce. The ultimate problem is the time these girls spend stalking guys ends up being compounded by the number of actual guys they end-up stalking throughout their lives in total. This leads us to Time (T) being multiplied by Penis Ratio (PR).
PR stands for Penis Ratio. The more times (T) an insane chick has made a guy cum, the deeper into insanity hell she falls. If you are currently being stalked by a girl, odds are you are not the first person she has stalked. The girl has probably stalked other guys. The problem is you are most likely nicer than the other guys. The previous dudes she had the hots for probably had no qualms about getting wasted and taking her internal temperature with a meat thermometer. They then ejaculate in her ear, let it dry, then ram it in her butt and make her walk home afterward. They never call stalker girl again and she gets depressed. The stalker girl then begins the stalking cycle again, thinking her next new guy will have respect for her after she lets him give her a Cleveland Steamer. Of course this never-ending string of men had to start somewhere, this takes us to the first guy she was fucked up by, known as Virginity Loss (VL).
Virginity Loss is VL. Once again VL is multiplied by time (T). Now I can't say for certain when most women who end up becoming insane stalkers lose their virginity, but I have to assume it was either really early in their lives or really late. It goes back to the compounding of how many semen spouts they pump off. A girl who starts early may be more likely to engage in sexual behavior (this has been actually researched by professionals). A girl who lost her virginity late may also be making up for lost time, dick-wise.
I is income. For some reason girls who become stalkers have crazy amounts of income. This is also why they have so much damn time. They either have rich parents, or have jobs where they make insane amounts of money. They don't have to work so much, which gives them more time (T) to buy a set of binoculars and follow the object of their insane affection around. I have known guys where the girls are so into them that they try to get the guys to love them by buying them large TVs, cars, and nice clothes. Some guys are assholes and will milk that money train for a while. Nicer guys get freaked out, but will still keep the television.
All of this shit is then multiplied even further by DI, or Daddy Issues. The more a girl's father was distant, neglectful, or non-existent can have an effect on how much a girl is willing to sacrifice her self-respect. Look at Lindsey Lohan, her dad wasn't even around until she made money, then he took her money, got her all drugged up, and now refuses to enter into my vicinity so I can bash him in the head with a pick-axe. But no matter what daddy does, you eventually become massively unappealing to men...once again look at Lindsey Lohan, leading to attraction (A).
Attraction is A in this equation. Most guys with stalkers have the displeasure of having absolutely no attraction (A) to their stalkers at all. This happens before the girl punches out the first other female she sees you looking at. This happens before the stalker begins to rant to the guy about how cute her cats are or how much she loves Twilight movies and the guy pretends to listen. This sense of attraction even happens before the first time the girl pretends to stretch her arms up for that "accidental" first nipple slip that happens five minutes after she met you. Attraction (A) happens the first time the guy sees his soon to be psycho follower walking into the bar or down the ballpark stairs wearing low riding tangerine colored pants with the words "sexy" on the back being swallowed by ass fat. Other guys may think this is hot, but when those guys try to hit on the female stalker she freaks out and tells them she has a boyfriend...the guy she is trying to currently stalk. Of course this stalking ho may actually feel the man she is chasing is indeed her boyfriend once the guy makes the mistake of joining into a conversation with her, leading to reciprocation (R).
Reciprocation, or (R), is the one factor a guy who is being stalked can actually control. The more a guy is willing to listen to his stalker's bullshit conversations, or reply to her text messages, or refuse to post the naked pictures sent to him on the internet, the more this insane women thinks she is going to spend the rest of her insane life with "the guy that finally understands her." Many stalkers need to be bluntly told to fuck off. Restraining orders can be your best friend. A lack of assholishness on the guy's part can cause the woman to feel "strung along," to the point that when the guy finally does break it off she will probably try to murder him in his sleep.
Shitty Friends (SF) is the last, and probably most important factor for a female stalker. An insane female stalker would probably not have the nerve to throw herself at a cocktrain of guys unless she had some equally insane friends. These shit friends are always there to offer sympathy when a guy screws and takes advantage of the stalker. The shitty friends gain pleasure in witnessing the man problems their poor stalker friend goes through, thinking that they can not have it nearly as bad. The shitty friends then make fun of the stalker friend her back, even after the stalker friend buys them drinks and clothes (I) and drives them places (T). These shitty stalker friends are so bad that they even encourage new and additional stalking by giving the insane stalker girl phone numbers of new guys for the stalker girl to throw herself at. Shitty friends are enablers and should be avoided just as much as the stalker. The sad part is these shitty friends often don't realize what they are doing until the stalker girl makes a hat out of the scrotums of all the guys that she thinks have wronged her.
I often wonder how it would be if I had my own female fancy me to the point where she would want to either fuck my brains out or cut out and frame my eyelids, or both. I've come to the realization of FUCK NO! First off, despite what some people may think after reading this post, I don't hate women. Yes, it's true many women are insane due to factors such as Time (T), Daddy Issues (DI), and Penis Ratio (PR), but there are in fact women out there who have earned my respect and/or attraction.In fact I have recently had a little crush on a girl in Ames.
There has been this cute girl at Family Video that I'm somewhat crushing on. I walked in one day and she was watching Hairspray and we talked a little bit about how we both liked dogs and musicals. Aside from the fact that she probably thought I was gay after that conversation, I had nowhere near the testicles to ask her out. Instead I just kept going into Family Video, waiting to see if she was working again so I could try and strike up a conversation. Every time she was there, I made it a point to get a movie so she could check out my movie while I checked out her hot body. The only problem is every time I got a movie, she didn't remember me, which shot my self-esteem to hell. Then I get stuck with a $2.59 movie that I really don't feel like watching such as Alice in Wonderland or Escape from New York. We have a weak conversation and I sulk away to go home and watch my movie alone. I then have to return it the next day because it is a 1 night rental. If the girl is working then I get another video, if not I pretend to look around and walk out. This now begs the question, am I myself a stalker? Well, let's look at the equation!
Time- Hell yes I have time on my hands. I don't have a fucking job! I have all the time in the world to spend an hour in Family Video, watching this girl and waiting for a moment to talk to her.
Penis Ratio- I have a penis, but have never had the desire to have sex with a penis. However, with all the fucking cock that rubbed against me this past weekend, the ratio is still unfortunately high. However I do have a small penis to begin with, so maybe I can cut that ratio in half.
Virginity Loss- Oh Christ. So aside from my mouth and fingers I am a virgin. Which means if I ever do get laid I will be a late bloomer, trying to catch up for lost time. However, this notion will fail miserably because I'm a guy. I do end up speaking to my crush with my mouth and let's assume I point at her every once in a while with my dirty fingers that can't wear white any more, so more points in that category.
Income- This is where I am saved. I have 85 dollars to my name at the moment, and a credit card that is almost full with car expenses that I haven't been able to make more then the minimum payment on lately. I can't afford to take this girl out. Hell, I can't even afford to rent the movies that lead me to strike up a conversation.
Daddy Issues- Um...let's just skip this one
Attraction- Oh lord. The odds of this girl being attracted to me are probably pretty small. I'm sure the nipple slip I tried didn't help either.
Reciprocation- The girl will talk to me about whatever topic I bring up, but she can't remember me between conversations. Still I score points because she actually will talk to me in the first place.
Shitty Friends- My friends, I love them so. When I tell them about my attraction they laugh at me and offer no advice at all, which is what they are supposed to do :) Someone may say that this is not good friend behavior, but in the world of stalker equations this is fucking damn good friendship. They don't empathize or encourage me. They don't try to set me up with any of their friends, worried that I might begin collecting hair for voodoo sex toy dolls. They just kind of sit back and let me fail on my own. Those are true fucking friends; the friends who are aware of how, with their help, I may end up crossing the line into stalker-city with only my telescope to see through my lady neighbor's windows as my guide. I should make another t-shirt that says something like, "True friends are the ones that refuse to help you fail, but will still laugh their asses off when it happens."
It is painfully apparent from my own equation that I do indeed have stalker qualities. Have I mentioned that I have tried to Facebook and Goggle both the girl's first name (because I don't know her last name) and Family Video? I just wanted to make sure she didn't have a boyfriend...honestly...maybe. Well, in the end I have given up. When I actually get an income again I'm going back to fucking Netflix.
Please keep in mind that this is a equation based on a WOMAN stalker. If, in a parallel world, I was a woman, with friends who actually offered advice, where I had a higher then minimum wage job at Burger King, and where I had a step-father with boundary issues, then I world be e-mailing pictures of me naked in my bathroom mirror to someone as we speak.
A man stalker has probably never had sex, is not attractive to anyone, has no friends at all, and can not actually speak to women period. So in a sense I'm actually worse off being a man-stalker. Damn it. So what have I learned from this long period of self-reflection? I have fewer prospects, a weaker social constitution, and less self-esteem when compared to a washed up stalker slut.