Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Today's Post is Brought to You by the Letters F, U, C, and K

Before I begin, if you are related to me in anyway please for your own sake do not read this . I implore you, stay the fuck away. You do not want to hear what I have to say. You will fucking regret it. Because this post is about a time I ALMOST got laid. Is it funny? Sure. Is it awkward? Yep. Is it mentally crippling and disgusting to anyone reading it? Oh hell yes. In fact, why is anyone reading this?! Go away and let me mourn my loss of hot ass in peace.

So I’m with this girl my freshman year at UNI. She was damn good looking, a little stuck up, but I could deal with that. Let’s call her “L.” L and I had hung out before and had fun with groups of friends. L had gone to high school at a catholic school. So when she got to UNI she was sexually repressed, yet still level headed. I think she lacked the daddy issues and income it would have taken to make her a stalker slut, however. L had just broken up with her on and off again boyfriend for the hundredth time. So to celebrate her independence she got involved with the UNI Theater. She became a member of the backstage crew for the fall play. So the last night of the play, it was the show with that song “Mack the Knife” in it, I go with a group of friends to watch.

My friends and I arrive early to talk to a few people. L walks up to me and we flirt a little and have a nice conversation. She then says, “Oh shit. I forgot my black shirt in my dryer back at my apartment. I need it for set changes!” I jump on this opportunity to help her out and win “brownie points,” which I was hoping to later cash in for “sit on my face and tell me that you love me” points. Lucky for me my truck was not too far away, so I volunteer to drive her back to her apartment.

I drive her back and we go inside. She goes to the dryer and pulls out her shirt. She then begins to take her current shirt off and exchange it for her black one. I then say to her, “I’ll be a gentleman and turn around with my eyes closed.” I do just that. As I’m standing there I hear her say the words, “It’s ok to look.” Holy Shit.

I turn around, but keep my hands over my eyes. I then freeze. To this day I have no idea why I froze, I just did. I guess I still wanted to maintain my gentlemanly aura. “Chivalry lives with me,” I thought! I pictured myself as a fucking gallant knight with a glandular problem. So I remained motionless, never opening my eyes to see what wonders lie before me. I just stood there, like a giant fucking loser pussy, not making a move. I must have stood there for several minutes. For all I know this girl could have stood there topless for minutes, just waiting for me to look at her breasts and then begin to ravish her. Instead she was topless with the air conditioning pouring down on her and freezing her perfect ass off. Who the fuck knows. Anyway, a few minutes go by and I hear her sigh and say, “We better be getting back.”

I open my eyes, and there she stands, fully clothed in the black knit that all backstage hands had to wear so the audience could better pretend they didn’t actually see people moving the ottoman between set changes. We go back to the theater. She gets to work backstage and I sit in the audience. I can’t remember a god damn thing about the play because I was sporting a massive boner through the entire performance. I just remember that “Mack the Knife” song. But to me the lyrics were something like, “Oh the shark has, pretty teeth dear, and it shows me massive breasts. Oh just a hot ass, that she has dear, she doesn’t keep it out of sight…thank god. When I bite down, on her neck oh, sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex…tugboat down by the river don’t ya know, sex sex sex sex sex sex sex, could that someone be sex sex sex.” Then in my mind Louie Armstrong says “Take it snatch!” and I’m practically jerking off in both my imagination and my cargo pants.

The play ends and I go to meet up with her backstage after the curtain call. She asks for a ride back to her place, and I, once again only thinking about the how cool she will think I am when I show her how chivalrous I can be, oblige. I give her my jacket. We walk to my truck. I open the door and help her in. We then drive back to her place. She sits on the couch and invites me to sit down next to her. I sit and we start talking.

She begins to nuzzle up next to me, even beginning to kiss my neck a little. I start getting that little horny tingle in my pants. That’s when I realize that tingle is not only my dick, but also my cell phone. One of those two things is getting a text message. I had put my cell phone on silent before the play had started, but it was still on vibrate and sitting in my pocket. Thank fucking God it had not vibrated during the play while I was sporting a giant oil rig in my pants. My phone would have vibrated, my rig would have exploded, and not even BP would have been able to clean up the mess.

I fish my phone out of my pants before my crotch turns into “There Will be Blood.” L would not have been excited to drink that milkshake. So I get my phone and read my new text message. It’s from my guy friend, let’s call him “S”. He asks what I’m doing and I quickly type back, “With L, fuck off.” He replies with the text message, “have her suck your dick, she did it for me last week and was great at it.”

At this point L sees I’m distracted and she asks who was texting me. I tell her it was S fucking with me. I’m sitting there thinking he is playing a joke. L leans her C cup breasts over me and reads the message. She then says, “Oh yeah. I gave him a blow job, but that was all we did. He was an asshole.” I am stunned, disgusted, and still horny all at the same time.

I didn’t really want to know what other guys she had messed around with. I knew she had been with her old boyfriend and that was already way too much information for me. But learning that she had sucked off one of my friends, despite him being an asshole…that was a lot to take in. I quickly scooted myself over to the left side of the couch and turned on the TV. The religious channel came on. I tried to kill the mood by asking her questions about Catholicism, questions like “So how do you make the sign of the cross?” and “Which of the Old Testament plagues was your favorite?” At first she didn’t get the message, which was evidenced by her trying to rub her hand over my jeans in the general area of where my still erect oil rig was. I was preparing for a junk shot. Luckily the program switched over to that pink-haired lady ranting about, thank Jesus, abstinence. Nothing kills the mood like a guilt trip from a pink-haired nun on the TV.

L stood up and said she was getting sleepy. She went upstairs to her room, but then yelled down for me not to leave yet. I didn’t know what to think. A few minutes later she asks me to come upstairs. I put my phone back into my pocket and go upstairs. There stands L, wearing this smoking hot blue nightgown. The fucking pink-haired nun had failed me. L lies down on her bed with her face in the pillow. Without a single word exchanged between us I lean over and began to massage her back. I was fucking hypnotized by the pussy.

Your friends always tell you, “don’t put the pussy on a pedestal.” But when you put the pussy in a silken blue see-through nightie and add a pair of tits, all bets are off. I start massaging her and we're messing around for a bit, until my cell phone vibrates once again. I once again pull it out to avoid an oil spill and I read my message. It is from S again, asking how it was. My brain once again fills with visions of this girl going down on my friend, who also probably has a bigger dick then me. I don’t feel like being compared to anyone dick-wise, nor do I want to kiss anything that has had its’ lips wrapped around anything belonging to S.

I don’t take the time to reply back. Instead I lean down and whisper in L’s ear, “I should get going.” I get up and I go to the front door. She says goodnight and kisses me on the cheek. I give her a hug and tell her it was great hanging out with her and I look forward to doing it again soon.

I rush home to wash off the seemingly real feeling of S’s dick off of my cheek and neck where L had kissed me. I spoke to L every so often, but we never even really saw each other in person after that. She transferred to Minnesota, married her old boyfriend, and got fat. Thanks Facebook. Meanwhile I got fatter, moved back in with my parents, and can't find a decent job to save my life. Fuck.

Now I normally like to end my stories with a little wrap up or tie in that takes us back in a humorous way to the beginning, so here goes. Fuck anyone related to me who is still reading at this point. I hope you now all see me in a new light, and are throwing up at this very moment because of it. You all owe me extra Christmas presents this year because you fucking disobeyed me.

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