Before I begin I want to make something perfectly clear. I like to crack jokes, poke fun, and generally try to find humor in many of the things I do. This, however, does not always mean then things I say or write will be amusing to you. It's my damn blog and I'm not here to entertain. I've often heard the remark made to me, usually from stuck up blond whores, that I am not funny or amusing. My reply to them is always, "Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know I was put on this planet for your amusement. I don't care if you think I'm funny, just like you don't care that I judge you on how many frat guys you screw. The only difference is my cracking jokes does not get me a vagina that looks like roast beef."
Anyway. So I had an interview in St. Louis this past week. On my way back I stopped in Iowa City to see some friends. It was good times. Iowa City is cool in that the campus is intertwined with this old shopping district. You can literally leave the biology building, walk a few hundred feet, and be in bar. It makes me think of my grandpa, who donated his body to the University of Iowa. A college frat kid studied and dissected Grandpa in the Biology Building, then proceeded to throw up because the frat kid was a pussy. After that the college pussy went 300 feet to a bar, drank, threw up again, looked like a pussy again, then got sympathy sex from some desperate ugly girl who probably ended up looking like my grandpa.
So my friends and I ate, hung out, watched movies, basically the shit I don't get to do anymore because I don't know anyone in Ames to hang out with, nor do I make the effort to get to know anyone. It got late and I ended up crashing on their couch. Now I am a deep sleeper. Apparently that same night I even slept through a tornado siren. So I'm sleeping on the couch and sometime in the middle of the night I start to have a dream that I'm making out with some girl. I don't get "wet dreams" but my libido definitely has an effect on my REM cycle. So I'm dreaming about getting hot and heavy when I suddenly realize that this dream chick is the worst kisser ever. It figures I would dream about making out, then get paired up with someone who sucks at it.
So then this girl starts to move up my face to my nose and eyes. I then feel a slight weight on my chest. Then I quickly think, "holy shit this isn't a dream." I jerk awake to find my friend's dog, sitting on my stomach, and going to town on my facial orifices. Damn it. The dog jumps down and runs to the couch across the room, and just looks at me with sad puppy eyes. I'm then thinking random thoughts to myself, "You're the sad one?! Do I sweat peanut butter? How many licks does it take to get to the center of me? What are they feeding this dog that makes me so delicious by comparison?"
So I, not willing to give the dog a second helping, turn on my side with my face nuzzled into the couch for protection. I hear the dog move, walk up to me, then proceed to lick the very top of my now showing ass crack and back. Mother fucker. Needless to say I just laid back and took it as this point. I could make a rape victim joke here but that would be in very poor taste. Rape is never funny, unless your Demi Moore raping Ashton Kutcher. Because I personally believe Ashton made a deal with the devil to become famous, and the devil got him back by making Demi Moore rape him every night. And that's why we stay away from the devil children. I could probably sell him my soul to find a job, but then what would he do to me? He'd probably force me to be licked by a dog every night with Demi Moore's head on it. Which is still a better deal overall compared to ending up with Demi Moore.