Wednesday, June 23, 2010

An internal what?

Two Saturdays ago I started to freak the fuck out. I am taking blood thinners, and one of the warning signs when something is going wrong is when there is blood in your poop. Well two weekends ago I was relieving myself from the previous night's pork loin and I get the sense something is wrong. I check and the kids I took to the pool are definitely not ok. So I go to the emergency room.

The doctor in the room is cool about it, the finger exam feels like an eternity. To calm me down he tells me a story, while rooting around in an "Exit-Only" part of my body. He says, "It's a good thing you came in here. Once a guy came in and he had an apple stuck up his shit pipe, this is nothing compared to that." His story does make me take my mind off things while I contemplated the physics of apple/rectum insertion. Size, color, shape etc. Would a granny smith apple cause irritation because of the increased sourness? Anyway, he was not able to find anything, but told me if there was more blood to come back in.

So a few days go by and there is no more blood. Then about 3AM Thursday morning I get up to do my business. This time the blood comes, I mean a lot of blood. I had taken the Cosby Kids to a pool of red Jello instead of water. So I drive myself back to the emergency room. I get admitted, put on the hospital gown, and again with a doctor and the finger. The emergency room doctor this time ordered some blood tests. So a few minutes later in walks this gorgeous lab technician. I mean she is a fucking 10.

Meanwhile I am in a hospital gown and strapped into a hospital bed with oxygen and heart monitors. We begin a little small talk. I start laying on the charm. I tease her about the animal stickers she has on her carrying kit for the kids, and the gracefulness of her ability to suck the life blood out of me. She tells me I am actually funny and is laughing and everything!

As she is starting to leave I ask her if the TV remote is anywhere on the floor. She can not find it, but she stretches up and turns the TV on for me. I didn't know turning on Telenovela could be so hot. She asks if she can turn it to a different channel for me, but she is not making eye contact with me when she asks. She is looking a little farther south. I say ok and she hits the channel button two more times and is starting to look uncomfortable. I then realize what the problem is...

A good geometric math teacher or billiards professional would have been able to see it right away, but it took me a few minutes. The angle of the hot lab tech's eyes, adjacent to the television, gave her a precise perpendicular look at my taint and penis. I am a naked fat guy under my skimpy hospital robe, giving the world a clear shot at my twig and apple bag (at least my apples were not up anyone's ass, but that did not help the situation).

I realized what the problem was and I quickly told her the channel she had just turned it to was fine and she was good to go. She ran out the door and I looked up to the TV to see what was on. At full volume, I now found myself watching an infomercial for a penis enhancing pump. I couldn't change the channel because there was no remote and I was strapped to the hospital bed. It was another half-hour before anyone came in. By then I had learned all about the Pos-T-Vac Penis Vacuum Therapy system. To bad I don't have a job, otherwise I'd be on my way to defeating future erectile dysfunction and present small penis size.

So it turns out I have an internal hemorrhoid. I need to take a bath once a day for it to heal. Luckily my bathroom is free from hot lab techs...and apples.

1 comment:

  1. You're missing your calling, you need to be writing for Letterman or Leno. Or write a movie about the New Millennium Loser. Sounds like a great name for a super hero.